终于发现自己不过是个yowamushi,何ka o 失naukoto ga konanni kowai dakeda.
just finally find i am just feel afraid, afraid of losing, afraid of realizing that im just lonely .
so i push myself into the crowd because dont want 2b alone, i try on my nicest disguise, give my sweet smile, always try 2pls others, for im afraid, if others dislike me,ill make me more lonely.im afraid of losing, so im afraid of gaining. for if i am able to own it, then on the day i lose it, ill b more lonely. just dont wanna b hurt. so maybe if i dont wish that, i dont want that, i never let that out of control, i wont get hurt, i wont lose anything. so although standing in the mid of crowd, i dont let anyone in my real territory. i hide, i keep distance...dont wanna get 2close for there is no need.im capable of almost all the things. no one can really understand another. i tell myself, so i hide "lonely" inside and dont wanna think about it for if i think, ill find.im not that independent,im actually easy 2b influnced by others for i care about how surroundings c me so much. i care the I in others' eyes so much that it finally becomes the burden, the pressure, the reason why i can never relax myself when i am with other ppl. sometimes, its exhausting.
outcome of the childhood?
i was able2 deal with all the things for the balance never broke. i dont no what happened but i start 2 want something that can never happen, that can make me no longer the way i was, that will just make myself a 面倒kusai person.
if this didnt come a year ago, why come now? make me think, make me realize things i dont want 2 realize,
自分wa tada 失naunoga kawakute, dakara negaukoto mo suteta 弱虫dake.
ittemo nani mo kaedenai noni,nanno yimi mo nai noni, 自分o motto sabishiku saserunoni,
the only person who i want this b seen wont know, maybe 4ever.
a 1year late.
ningen wa shosen gudokuna ikimonoda.

standing in the mid of crowd, just cant help feeling lonely.
past, now more, what about future?

今年的sms自己也很满意，特别是V.A，以前好歹都要想好久，这次却仅是顺着灵感就完成了。
小小的感慨带来的灵感，不长不短的一年带来的感慨。
一年，真是眨眼间就飞过的东西，当重新见面时，感觉和1年前其实很相似。
坐在车上，有些漫无目的着注视着车窗外的景色，临近过年的时节，但傍晚的天空已然萧瑟，配合着行色匆匆看不清脸旁的行人，
突然感觉，所谓的距离，
车外车内，如此之近，但两人前行的方向不同，而且越发思考就越发遥远，即使看到了，但两人的生命轨迹却没有任何重合的轨迹。
不曾有，也不会有，这么看来，人与人之间的距离真的还是有点伤感的东西，相差的不是车内车外的十几米，而是一生，而是“不存在”。说起来，这一点小小的感触就是今年sms的灵感的原出发点，而让我有更加深刻体会之后最后写成这次的V.A的却是一次让人开始有点分不清改变和没有改变的再会。
真是太Slow了，花了一年感觉自己终于搞清楚只是因为感觉很棘手而不适应因而带来的动摇，不过是错觉，还蛮确定自己并不是真正得怎么样怎么样的，因此对于这回还感觉有点麻烦，不大想去见，这是不是叫做抗拒心理呢...但结果却和自己预料的不同，让我有些吃惊，而且让原本不怎么复杂后来由于某些原因变得复杂再后来我觉得可能没那么麻烦了却变得比预想中的还要麻烦的事情了...YA.....jitsu wa tanoshikkata.更重要的是让原本蛮明晰的心态往反方向跑去了...而且还是肯定没结果的方向，让原本只是觉得有点麻烦的我开有有点小慌张，比我想象的还要复杂...啊...doushiyo...chotto yabakunai...就感觉是一年前按下开关的灯今年突然亮了虽然原本认为它是不会亮的。就感觉是神经反射弧时间长达1年的回馈...
在那家伙回去后再回过去思考时，得出了，“啊啊——那时候两个人的感觉其实是不在一个层面上的”但因为种种原因，自己也变得不清不楚的，其实那时的只是觉得confused吧...啊，原来是这样！以为得出的结论结果在再会中突然间很苍白。有种现在和一年前的别人的看法貌似怎么变得一样了...但别人肯定变了吧...啊呀...怎么会这样...麻烦了...的感觉。该不会是惩罚我1年前的草率言论？
这可不是cool不cool的问题了，真的开始存在hurt的可能性了，imamade,自分ojianddo mamoteirunoni...nanka majid yabai de kanji?
有点不能预测自己之后的动向，又开始有点对事态lose control的感觉，ya.........majide 面倒......doujini fuanda...konan 自分ni fuanda.
aitsu no iutori,made things more complicated than they could have been, and kono saikai finally let me realize its actually more compilicated than i thought it could be.
i said i couldn't c the answer last time, after one year, answer came unexpectedly and now, yabai.
doushiyo...





Everyday u walk on street, u go2take underground, u c so many ppl that u'll never get2know. ppl's life tracks r like millions of paralleled lines, u can b that close but never meet.ppl get2know each other by accidents:they accidently become classmates; they accidently sit close;they acidently share one room; they accidently make a stupid bet. But these accidents make the every possibility which finally becomes the essence of our lives. happy2009~~Feel lucky&grateful the accident makes this sms reach U！wish u happy,happy,happy. Ur great,great arashi.



last time was i just can't forget!, this time maybe i'll really miss u.